How Toxic Shame Turns Evangelization Into Abuse

"Compulsory conversion of Indians (sic) by Jesuit missionaries."
Artist unknown, c 1500.

Toxic shame is one of the most powerful forces in human culture.

It is commonly discussed in therapy and self-help circles. People also regularly talk about the "guilt and shame" of cultural Christianity, especially as it relates to sexuality.

But I have rarely heard anyone talk about how shame manifests in pastoral settings. How does shame impact how we function as pastors, activists and chaplains? In this post, I want to talk about the role shame plays in evangelization—how we share the good news of the faith.

It goes like this:

Another way of talking about shame is self-hatred and self-doubt. Shame is, after all, a feeling of disgust about some aspect of who you are and a desire to hide it.

Self-hatred is, by definition, a lack of self-love. Therefore it can be said that shame is a lack of interior self-validation. People with shame simply do not feel good about what they do or who they are on some subconscious level.

Going further, people who lack self-validation tend to seek out external validation to fill the emptiness and treat this wound.

And what is a powerful form of external validation?  To conquer someone else, dominate them or convert them. Since this post is about religious practices, I'll focus on the latter.

Imagine if someone else will give up something as personal and visceral as their own religion and culture in order to adopt your religion and culture. What a tremendous affirmation that must be! This external validation is a way of saying, "you must be okay, because someone else wants to be like you." It can be quite a rush. It feeds the ego. We think it'll treat our wounds, but sadly, it does not. The emptiness will not go away in any long-term way no matter how many you convert. The reason is because external validation can never overcome your own refusal to validate yourself. No form of bullying or abuse is ever truly satisfying.

Those who evangelize out of shame do it in an attempt to eradicate the other person and create a facsimile of themselves. They hate you because they actually hate themselves. They cannot appreciate the God-given dignity which everyone already has just as they are, because they cannot accept the same truth about themselves.

You would think it would be the opposite, right? Why would someone who displays self-hatred want to replicate themselves? Rather, doesn't this instead sound like pride? Don't prideful people feel so good about themselves that they arrogantly think everyone else should be just like them? But that's not what's really happening. Pride is always the mask that hides shame and self-hatred.

Prideful people spent enormous energy putting forth a positive image, but the only reason they are driven to do this is because they feel empty inside. True self-love is much more assured and calm. Someone who feels good about themselves will also find it easier to feel good about others just as they are—without any need to change them.

Someone struggling with toxic shame may look "together" on the surface. They may have what seems like the perfect look, perfect family and perfect job. In fact, shame-driven people work hard to control these appearances, because shame is linked to a need to be in control. But at their core they don't feel good about who they are. They may not even be aware of this feeling, but it gnaws away at them. They feel rotten inside.

This is not, I believe, the evangelization Jesus is asking of us in the gospels. Jesus speaks from the tradition of the psalmists, who remind us that "our cup overflows" (Psalm 23:5) with God's blessings. We can be so filled with God's goodness, so aware of the blessings in our lives, that we are naturally brimming over with joy and want to share that with others. It simply radiates out of us whether we intend to or not:

 For you shall go out in joy,

    and be led back in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

    shall burst into song,

    and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

Isaiah 55:12 (NRSV)

Evangelizing should not be about conquering other people as much as it is giving them a wonderful gift. God has given you such blessings that the only appropriate response becomes paying it forward to others.

The times I've evangelized the best were when I wasn't trying. My life and my joy simply witnessed to something so good that others wanted to know more about it.

That's the evangelization we're called to in Scripture. But that's not the evangelization that happens so often in the world.

Which kind of evangelization do your support? Do you want to turn everyone else into facsimiles of yourself as a way to treat your lack of self-worth? If so, just know that it can lead to abuse and is rarely satisfying in a long-term war.  Or are you so happy and joyous that it simply bubbles out of you naturally and you find you want to share this good thing you've found?

To be fair, not everyone with toxic shame lashes out in overtly abusive ways. The majority of the population—if not everyone—has some element of shame they are dealing with. That is why it is good to be on the lookout, as toxic shame, and the abuse which is often in its wake, can show up in surprising ways.

***

I highly recommend the book, Healing the Eight Stages of Life, by Fr. Matthew Linn, SJ, Dennis Linn and Sheila Fabricant Linn. It's the only book I found that approaches the eight stages of Erik Erikson in a pastoral way, rather than as an academic exercise. Shame features strongly in Erikson's theory of psychosocial development. This book is simple but shocking powerful.

What's on TV Tonight?

A scene depicting an American heartland barn dance
by William Medcalf

I didn't intend to write a series on smart phones and social media. This is a blog about spirituality, religious harmony and related topics, after all. I try to keep on topic. However, given the tumultuous 2016 presidential election, many people have been rethinking how we use these new technologies. Does it serve our faith life? Does it improve our culture and society? Is this really the best way to evangelize? One thing led to another.

I stumbled upon some thoughts that have been sitting with me a long time. 

It's tragically ironic when older folks criticize young people for using smart phones and social media. It was precisely those older folks--the World War II generation and the baby boomers--who gave us the television.

I don't want to get into a battle between the generations, but I can't let this one go.

Absolutely nothing in human history has lulled more people into a lifestyle of blatant passivity than the television. Probably nothing else has eroded the foundational interactions of community itself more than the TV. Smart phones and social media are actually an attempt to re-discover community and reclaim an active role in our own lives. They come with their own problems, for certain, but they are an attempt to recover what our culture has lost. 

Compared with TV, when I surf Facebook I'm actually communicating with other human beings directly. I'm debating and interacting. This includes geographically distant family and friends. I have access to all sorts of independent news and opinion sources. Yes, the rise of "fake news" is a problem, and choosing social media instead of interacting with the people physically adjacent to us is problematic, but the Enquirer was in print and the TV embedded in every western home long before the internet came along.

I found parallel thoughts when reading How Did We Get Into This Mess? by George Monbiot. To paraphrase one of my favorite contemporary authors: The last few generations have had more free time and recreational income than perhaps any other people in human history. Yet, we squander our lives passively watching others live their lives on a flashing box in our living rooms. 

I will challenge Monbiot by saying that watching other humans is nothing new. Humans have been acting out skits, performing theater and sharing story narratives since the tribal days. But at least in those older forms, presenters and audience members had more active roles compared with a TV viewers. The TV is categorically different than tribal kids acting out a skit they made, but it does feed a similar need to interpret and observe human drama as it unfolds.

If you ask people what did human beings do before the invention of the television, most will stare at you blankly. Few people have any idea. It should scare the living daylights out of us that we can't answer this question very easily. The fact that it doesn't scare us should alarm us even more. The rise of the TV is perhaps the most quiet revolution ever but perhaps the most destructive.

Yet, the human race has existed for thousands and thousands of years. The television has only been a mainstay in our culture for less than 75 years, and yet we have completely lost all ability to imagine life without it. We have also lost the ability to function with it, too, as it is a very passive activity that erodes our very functioning--the fact that we don't even know what people did before it is a testament to its destructive influence. 

People played sports. They talked. They make their own fun. They planned events, knew their neighbors and got invested in hobbies. Small towns would organize dances and shows. People sat on porches and chatted with neighbors as they walked by. Families sang together. They played parlor games. Kids probably got into all sorts of mischief. People knew how to be social in a way that we no longer do.

The TV doesn't have to get in the way of this. Families can use the TV as a focal point to gather together in one room and talk, read and play games while the glowing box is playing. But far too often, TV has been a replacement for human interaction rather than a stimulus for it. Like any technology, on the surface, it seems like it's neither good nor evil, it's more about how you use it. But I don't think it's completely innocent, either: The TV can help community, but more often than not, is makes it difficult for that to happen.

Just like smart phones and social media, the TV is not going away anytime soon. I'd love to issue a rallying cry of "blow up your TV!" but I'm far too cynical that this is a realistic scenario to hope for. The TV is probably not going away, so we best learn to live with it. But since this is indeed a blog about Christian hope, let me dig deep and say we must hope against hope, even for things that seem impossible. 

But let's not be so quick to attack the newer technologies that give users a more active role, because TV has probably been rock bottom when it comes to active community interaction. Maybe, just maybe, smart phones and social media represent some of our first steps out of the pit we've been in and not a step further down.

Ecumenism by the Numbers

Brother Craig Digman is the first to say that he has a very unique ministry.

He states this with some resignation, as any trailblazer would hope others will follow.  "This is a ministry that nobody is going to do like I do," he admits. 

Br. Craig is absolutely certain that he has a calling to reach out to non-Catholic Churches and visit a rather large number of them.  He feel strongly called to build bridges between Christian denominations and reduce misunderstandings.

Br. Craig is part of the Glenmary mission in Union and Grainger Counties in eastern Tennessee which began in the summer of 2011.  Along with Fr. Steve Pawelk and Bro. Joe Steen, they have established two new Catholic parishes in places that have never had a Catholic church before.

"As a brother, the primary job at first was to help Fr. Steve get the missions up and running."  This started with visits to existing parishes and doing lots of door knocking.  "It just snowballed from there," recounted Br. Craig.  "You get talking to people, they invite you to where they are going, that leads you to something else, then they say, 'hey, have you ever been to...' and it just builds and builds." 

He started having similar conversations with just about anyone he would meet.  What began as outreach to build up the Catholic parishes has turned into a dynamic ministry of presence where this Catholic brother has so far visited and befriended dozens of churches of various denominations all over the two county area.

By
the
Numbers

To date, he has attended worship services at 68 non-Catholic churches of various denominations, all within the last 3 years.  Most of them have never had a Catholic visit in their entire history. 

He has been invited to 138 churches.

There are around 22 churches where he has developed a deeper relationship, where it feels "like family."  This has often involved multiple visits to these communities.

He has also developed close relationships to pastors and parishioners of churches he has yet to visit.

He keeps record of the count as well as information about future visits, pending invitations and places for follow-up.  These numbers change almost daily.

He estimates there are about 210 churches in these two counties.  Many of them are virtually unknown to outsiders, as they may be small operations with just a family or two.  Case in point:  At a recent Pastor Appreciate Dinner, a local Gideon's group invited only 75 pastors.  Granted, this was just one county but it seems they might have missed a few.

The numbers are staggering, no doubt about it.  He is constantly inviting people to visit a Catholic Mass and takes them up on their invitations to visit their respective churches.  He takes the invitations seriously and tries to go to as many as possible. 

He recognizes that in a different time and place, this ministry might have evolved differently.  He spent a lot of time at the beginning questioning whether to develop deep relationships with a few churches or more causal relationships with many.  The decision was made as the ministry simply took on a life of its own, and he followed the Spirit.

The numbers can be a discouragement for others to follow.  Yet, if we see beyond the numbers there is much that any person of goodwill can learn from the example of Br. Craig.

The Method:  Presence

Br. Craig  is very intentional about his attitude and demeanor on these visits.  "When I go in most of these churches, I'm the first ever Catholic to step foot in their church.  How I'm dressed determines how they perceive a Catholic to be.  If I'm in blue jeans, they'll probably assume Catholics wear blue jeans!"  Sometimes a casual look is ingratiating, but he dresses better-than-causal to show respect.  It is better to err on the side of being too formal rather than too casual, he figures.

There is responsibility in this.  For better or for worse, he knows that how he conducts himself is going to reflect on how Catholics in general are perceived.  He keeps this in mind and takes it seriously.  He is polite and makes conversation easily.


Br. Craig (left) singing Sanctuary at an ecumenical service
 with musicians from Revival Vision Church (right).


During services, if there is an invitation, he goes up in front and sings "Sanctuary," which includes a third verse he wrote.  If there is an opening in the service to speak, he shares about his family and asks for prayers.  Sometimes he offers prayers for the endemic drug problems in the area.  Before and after services, he will let people know that he's a Catholic brother and shares what that is. 

"Most of what I do is educate out in the community," he says.  "I feel there is a strong need for that."  In an area where few Catholics live and myths and stereotypes abound, his simple presence can do much to break the ice.  "The important thing is you just have to be there." 



Br. Craig making conversation
at a church potluck.

I was able to visit a church with him on a visit this past fall.  It was a homecoming for a parish, a celebration that is often a time for fallen away members to be invited back.  Br. Craig brought a dish to share at the potluck and blended right in. 

"Most of these people have never met a Catholic, have never seen a Catholic and have never been to a Catholic church,: he says.  "Suddenly, here's Br. Craig and Frank from the Catholic Church—we were there.  We are real people; we seem like nice guys.  That's huge.  It is so important to be on their ground, especially if there is any chance of them coming to ours." 

He tries to break the mystique of Catholicism by asking folks to visit a Catholic Mass.  "I invite a lot of folks to come, but most don't.  However, I've been finding that I'm at a turning point.  In that first year, nobody would come when I would invite them.  They still didn't have that trust.  Now, a few more are at least stopping in to peek at our Mass and see what it's about."  Having more of the community visit Mass is one of his "greatest goals."

You lookin' for me?

The Lost Sheep

The Parable of the Lost Sheep (Luke 15:1-7) is probably the most defining and often-cited passage in Glenmary's missionary charism. 

What man among you having a hundred sheep and losing one of them would not leave the ninety-nine in the desert and go after the lost one until he finds it? (verse 4).

It takes a Gospel vision to see the wisdom in that.  What else would drive a Catholic society of priests, brothers and lay co-workers away from the multitudes in the cities to reach the scattered few and far between faithful in the far reaches of Appalachia and the South?  After all, Glenmary Catholic parishes are in areas where Catholics make up less than 3% of the population.

Br. Craig seems himself as turning the parable on its head.  "I leave the 1% Catholic and reach out to the 99% non-Catholic."  It could also be said that his ministry helps support that 1%.  Still, true to Glenmary form, Br. Crag has a special place in his heart for the smallest, poorest country churches out there. "I gotta be honest with you, those little places is really where my heart's at... the real lost and forgotten, the poorest of the poor, that's who Glenmary goes to."



A rural convenience store in eastern Tennessee,
which is also a place to grab a hot meal.

Evangelizing at Petticoat Junction

Br. Craig is a master community builder.  He makes these connections in friendly conversations with a cook at a local restaurant, with the cashier at a hardware store, and in causal conversations in the course of daily life.  He is involved in the community and very present.

Even as I have lunch with Br. Craig at a small country trading posting, he wastes no opportunity to evangelize with the woman who brought the food out to us.  He has met her a number of times before. 

They start talking:

"So are you from around here?" he asked.

"Oh, I'm from on up the road," she happily replied.

"I'm familiar with that area, kinda near Brenda's house?" he asks further.

"Yeah, I'm just a little bit before that."

"Sure is nice out here.  I'm in Maynardville," he continued.  "I'm part of a group, and we started the new Catholic Church... I don't know if you get to Food City, we're right across the highway." 

"Oh yeah, I've seen it there," she affirmed.

"If you've never been to a Catholic Church, you are welcome to come and see what it's like, if you want," asks Craig.  "I've got a lot of friends who are kinda curious," he continues says.  "We have a 9:00 service..."

"I'm a Baptist, I go out to Elk Springs Baptist Church."

"Oh, where is that exactly?" he inquires.  They talk at length about where that church is and what the identifying features are of the church building.  Eventually, he asks, "What time is your service?"

"Sunday morning.  We start at 10:00 for Sunday school and church at 11:00," she answered.

"I’ve been visiting a lot of churches around here, you care if I come by sometime?"

"Sure, come on down!"

"I'm not sure when I'll get to yours, but I'll try to make it maybe for an evening service."

The waitress is a little hesitant about his invitation to Catholic Mass, but it gets her thinking about other churches and religious experiences she has been curious about:  "I have never been in a Catholic Church," she offered.  "I’ve been to a Methodist before, and of course, Baptist.  I’ve been where they do the footwashes… primitive Baptist.  I’ve never been to one of the snake handler churches, which I’d like to go just to see how they carry out their service!”

It is about opening door and getting people to think about something they might not normally think about.  Perhaps there are barriers, conscious or otherwise, between groups of people.  A simple conversation over food can start a process of melting the ice just by bringing the matter up for discussion. Through relationships and friendly presence, Br. Craig is an ambassador of the Catholic Church in rural eastern Tennessee. 

After this lengthy exchange, he turns to me and apologizes, although he truly had nothing to be sorry about.  "I'm sorry, this is just what I do, this is what happens... I bring in a group here for lunch and we just start talking." 

It is worth pausing here to bring attention to something that could easily be overlooked in these words:  "We just start talking."

Indeed, how do you build community, reduce alienation, enhance understanding and begin the process of reconciliation?  You just start talking. 

Br. Craig may have a unique ministry.  By the numbers, it seems out of reach for most people, and because of that it might be easy to dismiss.  However, at its essence, his ministry can teach us all about how to be present to people and reach out to others in different ways.  Most of us will not visit dozens of different churches, but in the end, it is actually not about the numbers at all—it is about being present and the possibilities that are inherent when we make ourselves available.

 

All Christians—Catholic, Protestant or Evangelical—are baptized as missionaries of the faith, even though that is something not often talked about, especially in Catholic circles.  We can all be on the pioneering edge of our faith, making new connections and breaking new ground.  Whether we visit churches or start conversations with our coworkers and relatives, we can all recognize and live into our role to reach out others who are not in our group.  Br. Craig shows how we can do that with friendliness, goodwill and old fashioned politeness.

In worrying if others will follow, Br. Craig is encouraged by the words of his colleague, Fr. Bob Dalton:  "You're just a little different kind of leadership."

The First and Final Frontier of Christian Love

“If churches can work together to build a house,

why can’t we get together to evangelize the world?”

—Rev. Ted Beam, Pastor of Petrie Memorial United Methodist Church, Elkton, KY

 

Churches of different denominations working together on acts of charity and justice is often the first thing that comes to mind when people think of ecumenism.  Indeed, some of the most longstanding and compelling witnesses of ecumenism have happened in those arenas.

The word "evangelize" comes to us from the Greek meaning: "To announce the Good News."  Some would say that joint acts of Christian service are indeed true acts of evangelization, as they give witness to the solidarity of all people sharing a common mission to love one another as commanded by Jesus (Matthew 22:37-40).  When people are so overwhelmed by God's gift of love that their proverbial cup overflows (Psalm 23), compelling them to share that gift of love with others and in thanksgiving to God with all the blessings spilling out from them, they fulfill this new commandment to love God and love their neighbors as themselves.  They announce the Good News with their hands and feet through their deeds, demonstrating that their lives have been transformed in light of it.

Still, it is a curious situation when groups of Christians share the fruit of their discipleship together but proclaim the source of that discipleship separately.

 

Pope Francis has reminded us lately:  "Divisions between Christians wound the Church and wound Christ. The Church – he said – is the body and Christ is the head."  He asks:  "Are we resigned, or even indifferent to this division? Or do we firmly believe that we can and we must walk together towards reconciliation and full communion?"

Indeed, John's Gospel offers an important twist on Jesus' commandment:

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

(John 13:34-35)

This is a daunting challenge.  Jesus is speaking both to his disciples and about his disciples here.  A sign of true discipleship—perhaps even the truest sign—is whether Christians can love each other.  The most difficult challenge is often loving those closest to ourselves.  This includes not just those in our local parish community but also different denominations of Christians worldwide.  2,000 years of amazing Christian service work juxtaposed against bitter divisions in the Body of Christ itself attests to this difficulty.

John's Gospel is often not the immediate "go to" book for social justice activists looking for a passage to embolden their efforts.  All too often it is seen as focusing on internal relationships between disciples and less on those excluded and marginalized.  It is not easy to coax Christians who may have become all too comfortable in cozy church fellowships to turn their attention and reach out to the whole world with this passage.  However, it is usually a mistake to attach a simple interpretation to anything in John's Gospel.  This passage is deeply challenging when held up against the fractures in Christianity. 

 

 

 

 

Scripture offers many ways to understand love.  The famous passage above from 1 Corinthians is a favorite wedding reading.  It takes on a very different challenge when seen as a checklist for ecumenism.  Love is not just tolerance, but a full blossom of patience, kindness, humility and honoring and forgiving each other.  Can Christians protect, trust, hope and persevere in their relationships with other Christians?  Jesus calls us to love one another, and this is what love looks like according to Paul.

 

Evangelizing together is an ideal way to demonstrate this kind of love.  It would show trust and a hope held in common.  Christians would protect each other and persevere together.  We would honor each other by trusting each other to proclaim the Gospel.  We would take time to understand each other in patience.  We would be slow to anger and rich in kindness, like the God we follow (Psalm 145:8). 

 

At the beginning of this piece, Rev. Ted Beam asks a question which points to a glaring inconsistency in the Christian witness.  Yes, they will know we are Christians by our love, according to John's Gospel.  Rev. Beam's question subtly suggests a way that this love might be expressed:  This is a love which draws Christians together to go out and share the Gospel to the ends of the earth. The kindness, patience, trust and humility that Christians would need to manifest in their relationships with each other in order proclaim the Gospel together would become the witness that the world would see.  The medium becomes the message.  The Way shows itself to also be the Truth. 

 

Perhaps it is better to preach the Gospel through our deeds, using words only when necessary.  Love may be the only thing pure enough to reach beyond our fuddled words and understandings.  However, our inability to preach together in words gives witness to our lack of investment to listen to each other in patience and kindness, out of which a common language and a sympathetic ear would emerge to guide this common mission to proclaim the Good News.